Number one, it's a valid fear ; I'm not going to say that fear isn't valid.
They are scared that sharing how they feel may push the other person away .
Your life isn't going to fall apart .
I am not trying to sugarcoat it.
I'm giving you a character of what I can tell is going to appease you.
I am only saying things to make you feel good and not being genuine .
Am I enough by myself is the underlying fear .
Self-love needs to be worked on because that's at the root of it .
You think that what is said is exactly what's heard .
How many times have they repeated back what you said?
Can I redo that ? That's not at all what I meant.
We split the conversation into something unrelated to the original source .
When people take a breath before they respond, the words have more footing.
What comes out has a much more heavy footing to it.
I use my breath, and I calm my nervous system .
You have to slow down the conversation .
The hotter the fire burns, the more you have to spread out the coals .
If your partner is giving you the silent treatment , how do you engage?
Some people you kind of have to do the gray rock on.
You can't reason with them .
Some people use silence as a punishment .
Using silence as punishment is a sign of low emotional intelligence .
I'll call you tomorrow versus just ghosting .
It puts the other person in a position of trying to beg and plead .
They say something super flagrant , like a bad foul.
I see that you've gone quiet on me .
I'm going to give you space .
I'm not going to put you in the position of begging .
I get the feeling you feel really hopeless right now.
I need to put aside the frustration and see the wound .
People that need the most love ask for it in the most unloving ways .
It's the same basic human needs in every single one of us.
They are fighting to feel understood by you.
When you use words of repair , everything changes.
Validation is not weakness; it is repair.
The measure of a true relationship is how quick I can get to repair.
Relationships fall apart because of the hundred micro moments where repair could have happened.
These little cracks become paper cuts over years.
It's the paper cuts that build up over years.
You tear the fabric of the relationship when you are dismissive .
If you can sign that with a straight face , you've lost the relationship.
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